Legendary Locks: 5 Memorable David Beckham Hairdos

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David Beckham, international soccer superstar, has announced that he will retire from the sport at the end of this season. Coming off a league title in his fourth different country, the 38-year-old has decided it’s time to call it quits.

Over the course of his illustrious career, Beckham suited up for soccer powerhouses Real Madrid, Manchester United and the Los Angeles Galaxy (sure the Galaxy only have 9 season ticket holders, but they sure paid him like they were an international soccer powerhouse), and also became one of the most decorated players in English National team history.

With his glory days on the pitch behind him, it seems only appropriate to take time to pay tribute to the thing that made Beckham one of the biggest stars in the history of the sport… his hair.

5 The Taxi Driver

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There aren’t a lot of people that look at Robert DeNiro’s famed character Travis Bickle and say, “Yeah, make me look like him. But make sure it’s at his MOST psychotic.” Beckham did just that when he sported the same skinny mohawk that sold DeNiro as an unhinged lunatic in Taxi Driver, and he still somehow pulled it off. In fact, you might say that Beckham ruined the cut for the Neo-Nazis when he made it look so innocent you suddenly started seeing it on little kids everywhere.

4 The Evil Prince

Okay, this is just not cool. The guy is already one of the world’s greatest athletes; he shouldn’t be allowed to look like the playboy son of a wealthy shipping magnate too. It’s one or the other, God! Anyway, enough shaking our fists at the unjust heavens, let’s acknowledge that perhaps no cut in his hair’s storied history made Beckham look more enviable than when he smoothly pulled off the long hair and ponytail look that would make the average male look like a creepy guy you may want to report to local authorities.

3 The Exotic Bird

Image Credit WhoAteAllThePies.tv

Perhaps inspired by seeing a profile view of a circular saw blade, Beckham rocked another spiky, blonde do that had him looking oddly similar to a cockatoo. Who knows though, perhaps like the exotic bird, Beckham’s cut was part of an elaborate mating ritual. Though it’s hard to imagine why he’d break from what had presumably already always resulted in a sexual conquest; just saying “Hi, I’m David Beckham.”

2 The Punky 90’s Alt Rocker

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This haircut was everywhere in 90’s music videos on everyone from rock stalwarts like Green Day’s Billy Joe Armstrong to the perhaps less-revered frontmen of bands like Sum-41 and Smashmouth, (though you might argue Winona Ryder wore it best), but Beckham rocked a choppy, frosted tip look with the best of them. The key to this hairdo is, to include such an abundance of styling product that your head looks like one of those spiky things they put on top of a deck railing to keep birds from nesting there.

1 The Cornrows

Image Credit News.com.au

Oh man, even for a dude considered to be one of the best looking men on the planet, white guy cornrows are NEVER a good idea. Just ask Justin Timberlake. Looking back, even Beckham knows it was probably not his best decision. In fact, in 2012 he admitted that he might have been a bit drunk when he got them done. There are a lot of things you don’t want to wake up with the morning after tying one on, but on a list that includes one-legged prostitutes and navel tattoos, cornrows still remain comfortably at the top.

TK Kelly is a comic and writer who has performed at clubs across the country like the Comedy Store, the Improv, Gotham, and Standup NY. He has also written for Tosh.0, Comedy Central Studios, Funny or Die, Recycled Babies Sketch Comedy, and Second City. His standup comedy has been described as “a thing that happens sometimes,” and according to one of his grandmothers, he is a generally delightful young man. If he were forced at gunpoint to describe himself in one word, that would be a really weird hostage situation.

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